Answering a question…
It’s been awhile since I’ve made any post on this blog of any personal nature. It’s says in the About section that this blog is a place for me to say whatever the hell it is that I want. Really it’s a place for me to vent my mind. The other stuff is a distraction from it.
So the problem I have right now is the same problem that I have now is the same problem that I’ve had for months now. Everyday I end up asking myself “why do I do what I do?” And the answer is I don’t know. And that is hard for me to take. I am a guy who can always provide an answer, if I don’t know it right away I’ll find soon enough. Not knowing is scary for me and in trying to find the answer I’ve come to realizations about myself that I didn’t want to realize. But still I try to find the answer.
And here I go.
I think the first step in finding the answer is establishing the question. Which is “why do I do what I do?” That’s the broad form of the question anyway. At this point I have it broken down into tiny little bits that I can think for hours upon hours upon. But I digress…what is it that I actually do?
Alas, this is another question I don’t know the answer too. I always tell myself that I do things differently but when I think about what it is I actually do, I don’t really see myself as different. So what is my problem than? For every question there is an answer, why can’t I find mine? I might as well have some computer tell me it’s 42 and than get on with life because that’s about this is all amounting too.
Really all I know is how I feel right now. Constantly I feel alone. Despite living with 3 other people or hanging out with the one person I call friend, I just feel alone. But can that be the problem? I’ve felt alone for a very long time now. Longer than you can imagine. Essentially I’ve felt this way since I was a child. Why is now different? Why is loneliness suddenly trying to ruin me?
I know that a lot of who I am comes from that feeling of being alone. I let myself care too much for other people because I don’t want them to have to feel that they need to do something alone.
I keep to myself because I always have trouble believing that anyone cares. People ask what’s wrong all the time (especially one person) but I always manage to tell myself that they don’t really care.
Lastly, I never trust a single soul to do the right thing. It’s been the experience of my short life so far that people do bad things to good people often for dumb reasons. If I could figure out if I’m a good person or not, I’d be more able to trust I think because than I’d be more able to figure out who the bad people are.
I’ve felt alone for so long that I don’t know if I want to not be alone. The thought is kinda scary to me. This fear I feel has made me do things to ruin chances at happiness with people that I’ve let myself care possibly too much about. I feel like I’ve sabotaged myself and whatever chances I may have had I’ve ruined and in my mind I’ve ruined them to a point where I don’t know what I have anymore.
I know that right now, being alone doesn’t make me happy. But I fear it reciprocate. Happiness has consequences as well. What will I lose? What will others lose? Will I stop being the me that makes people trust me? Or is it through these god aweful emotions that I lose the trust that others have in me?
I guess right now the thing I fear the most is the answer because the answer could create more problems.
